| The Apprentice 3 comes to Salem! |
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| THUMP My name is Thump and I am STILL the richest, most obnoxious man in the world. I build the biggest buildings, marry the most beautiful European women, and handle billions of dollars, never once bowing to international pressure to change my mutating hairstyle. This time it's gonna be different. We are gonna pit street smarts against book smarts cos quite frankly, I've got neither ... I am gonna evaluate the corporate performance of the men and women in Salem, to decide who gets to stay on my corporate team and have the second best job on the planet (the best job is producing Days of Our Lives but even I can't get you that). You know the drill. There can be only one winner in the end! By the way, in case you're wondering how I got to come back after they tried to fire me last season, it was was easy - I paid the network to never air that episode anyhow. Read on to find out who got fired this week ... May 19, 2005 THUMP Ok, I just want to say that I fired all the writers cos I didn't like the way they wrote about the team ... Now, on to important stuff. I am looking to hire a young blonde chick this time around since the last two times I hired men. The lucky gal will have two options to choose from - either she can redecorate my living room or do my wife's hair. I am a modern kinda guy so I'll give the lucky gal the choice. Oh yeah and ... BELLE, YOU'RE HIRED! BELLE You cannot be serious! THUMP I know. Pretty overwhelming isn't it ... BELLE Get a grip, would you! I will not redecorate your living room and I sure won't do your wife's hair! For that matter, neither would any of my fans! THUMP For the record, it's a corporate living room and my wife has corporate hair. BELLE I quit! MIMI I don't blame you. I mean, that man is even worse than our redundant storyline, if it's possible! May 2, 2005 THUMP Bart and Belle - one of you gets the axe today ... BART Yikes! I'm usually the one who uses the axe! Learned it from my old friend Rolfski back in the good ol' days! THUMP Belle, what have you got to say for yourself? I mean, all you care about is frivolous stuff. Your priorities are virtally nonexistent. Shawn could be killed rescuing Philip and all you can think about is when he will tell Phil he loves you blah blah blah! Dizzy dame! BELLE Oh. THUMP Belle, why shouldn't I fire you? BELLE I look great in a pink pantsuit and I want to work for you, okay! THUMP Bart, who do you think is to blame? BART It's Belle's fault we have low ratings. She is all over the place! THUMP I agree. Bart, when was the last time you were in the boardroom? BART Never was, sir! THUMP That's a lie ... BART, YOU'RE FIRED! OUT! SEE YA! DON'T EVER COME BACK! TONY Fear not, Bartholomew, I shall make you my assistant in world domination. BART I'm so outta here! It's sweeps week, I am needed in the Carpathians, people! I got a plane or a rocket ta catch! Ta! April 25, 2005 THUMP I'm looking for a fight. I want to see a good fight ... ALMOST SLY STALONE Then you gotta like see the contendas. THUMP When is this man going to learn English?! Back to my firing fetish. I have brought two losers into the boardroom cos I wanna see you go at each other's throats ... What do you have to say about that? CHLOE I'll take on that trash anyday! NICOLE Oh! Brady is mine! Oh! Gimme a costume and I'll prove it! THUMP Chloe, why shouldn't I fire you? CHLOE I know I haven't done much lately but I'm a real fighter because I came back from the dead - even though I was never dead - and fiery redhead Nancy is my mother! It's all in the genes! THUMP Nicole? NICOLE Fay the heavy breather was my mother. Sigh! THUMP Nicole, I just don't feel you fight as much as Chloe so I have to say ... BRADY Hold it! Stop the presses! I have something to say! THUMP What BRADY I would just like to set the record straight. The rumors out there are simply not true, people. I am not the secret love child of Suzanne Somers and one of the Bay City Rollers - at least I think I'm not ... THUMP Whatever. NICOLE, YOU'RE FIRED! BRADY Or was that Farrah Fawcett ...? Gosh, Mimi might be my mother?! April 15, 2005 THUMP I like fast cars, fast women, and fast storylines so what gives? BRADY I think things are starting to pick up for me, sir. THUMP Whatever. Where's the head writer? I wanna tell him what I think of his stuff lately, seeing as I'm so highly qualified to judge other people's writing ... BRADY I think he's busy writing you off the network, sir. THUMP Like that'll ever happen! Jack, your first escape didn't work, now you get shot. JACK Under the circumstances, I am doing well, I believe and ... THUMP Time is money and I need both. That doesn't have any relevance - I just felt like saying it. Jack your plans fail too often ... JACK, YOU'RE FIRED! JACK Actually, I'm your publicist. THUMP Oh yeah, I forgot. In that case, I take it back and ... Nick, you're fired! JACK Wrong show! THUMP Then who the heck can I fire?! Oh, I know ... HORNY OLD CASTLE GUARD, YOU'RE FIRED! PARIS (aka Cassie) Yahoo! Now I can live my not so simple life without being leered at! THUMP You'll also be needing to replace that expensive carpet or at least weave me a new one ... SHAWN Far out, let's go on a magic carpet ride! March 30, 2005 THUMP Greetings turds and turdettes ... see, I patronize both sexes equally cos I am one with it kinda guy even though I have been accused of promoting the old boys attitude. Dunno what that is, maybe I should ask the guy who's my right hand huh or maybe one of the two guys I hired from the Apprentice 1 and 2 ... Anyhow, it's been a crappy week for the ratings. How come? BART It's the loser couples, Mr Thumpmeister - they just don't cut it! KATE John did just fine, thanks very much! STAN He likes verry much ze viagra from Soviet Union vich I givink him ... THUMP What the hell? No non-captialists in my boardroom! STAN It's ok, Dump. I beink double agent now. Look, I show you ... BART Not the flashback! Please, not the Stan disguise flashback again! THUMP No flashing or flashbacking in my boardroom. So, Marlena, why would a leader like you get in a red bed with a guy who talks like Roman? MARLENA Golly, he was so convincing. THUMP Roman, you have too much lip and you're a flirt. ROMAN What da hell? THUMP ROMAN, YOU'RE FIRED! ROMAN Huh? I don see no fire in dis here place! MARLENA You can say that again ... March 17, 2005 THUMP Today t.v. guide accused me of doing nothing new. That's not the case - my hairdo is now flat on one side, so there! Now, let's get to the week in review ... Sami or Stan or whoever the hell you are - do you even know how to make money? On second thought, don't tell me, the answer would be too painful to hear. Bart, what's your purpose? BART To play the boss' yes man. THUMP An ass kisser who follows orders. I like that, you'll go far ... VICTOR NEWMAN Damn you, listen to me Thump, I'm a consultant, you got that, right. THUMP What the hell is that? Oh, I get it, a hologram from CBS. Looks like the Easter bunny came early. SLY Come an watch like contenders no I mean boxers an their women and like stuff and I'll almost train 'em but not really. THUMP Here's some free advice - If you want to follow in my non-followable footsteps in reality television, do something about your diction. SLY Huh? Who's he? TONY Get the bloody hell off this set! THUMP Count DiMera, my hero. A cross between Machiaveli and James Bond. Wait ... leaving so soon? TONY Indeed, must run. Have a jet to catch - for a light brunch with his Majesty of Jordan. THUMP I'm not so worthwhile? TONY In a word - no. REX Hahahahaha! That's funny! THUMP Nothing I hate more than insubordination from someone taller and better looking than me ... REX, YOU'RE FIRED! REX You can't fire me cos I quit! TONY Bravo, Rex! There's hope for you after all! BART Gee boss, I coulda sworn Hope was Bo's girl ... March 3, 2005 THUMP So many pink slips, so little time! First things first. I don't like the way your marketing campaign goes because I cannot tell if you're good or bad so ... EUGENIA, YOU'RE FIRED! EUGENIA Unlike you, I have a real job - I'm the secretary of state, so there, Dump! THUMP Next up. Some people say I'm a sexist jerk. What do you have to say about that? REX That's disgraceful. SHAWN You don't belong here. THUMP Maybe not but I have cash and that's all the power I need. It's been a long time since a sweet young thing looked in my direction. Patrick has all the luck and it really bugs me but he's not the one I feel threatened by ... CHELSEA, YOU'RE FIRED! THUMP There. Now they can't say I'm not a sexist jerk so I feel much better. February 18, 2005 THUMP What's going on lately? You all keep repeating yourselves on the show! SAMI It's not our fault! THUMP You are the kind of person that spends hours on one single task and you run around like a pregnant bride I fired with no life. Brandon, what have you got to say for yourself? BRANDON I woke up naked and I have no idea what happened. THUMP Get used to it. Happens to corporate bigwigs all the time. Lucas, no wedding? LUCAS Get real! No way! THUMP Maybe it's because ... LUCAS Sir, I just want to say that I'm just like you! THUMP You broke the golden rule. You interrupted the Thumpmeister and you are nothing like me. I get things done and I never interrupt myself. LUCAS, YOU'RE FIRED! LUCAS Fine! I'd never marry you anyhow! VICTOR NEWMAN Listen to me, Thump, you pompous ass, I'll give you 100 cents for every dollar you have, you got that, right ... It's my neck on the line, don't believe Jack Abbott ... LUCAS Wrong network, sir. THUMP He's not real! How many times do I have to tell you people - nothing besides NBC is real! BRADY Oh my gosh, I figured it out. NBC stands for Now Bring Chloe so she must be here. February 14, 2005 THUMP Your task this week was to market Days of Our Lives bodywash and I have to say, you all sucked. What happened? JOHN Uh got carried away by muh drugs, no time for much else ... TONY Disgusting! SAMI Go to hell Thump! Everyone hates me! These people are impossible! THUMP They don't hate you - you just can't control them at all. SAMI, YOU'RE FIRED! SAMI Wash this, you jerk! February 3, 2005 THUMP Here we go again, back in the boardroom, this time with Sami, Kate and Brandon. Explain yourselves ... BRANDON Sami is incapable of making decisions about who she wants to marry, for instance. SAMI Who are you to talk! THUMP Don't worry, Brandon, you will not be fired cos I think you just got caught in the middle here and anyhow you have a great smile, looks good on camera. BRANDON Thank you, sir. THUMP Now Kate, why did you bring Sami back into the boardroom? She is supposed to be exempt this week on account of she has a wedding to plan and as you know, I myself just got married so I can empathize. KATE Sami is a no good two faced witch and the sooner you realize that the better! SAMI So she doesn't like me, who cares, she sucks! THUMP Sami, I think you're a total disaster but rules are rules and if I say you're exempt, everybody - including me - has got to respect my wise, unilateral, pointless unchangeable decision. Kate, you don't play by the rules and I don't like that. You drug people's beverages - how do I know you won't do the same for our office coffee and poison the whole damn staff? NBC would never forgive me ... KATE, YOU'RE FIRED! January 27, 2005 THUMP Time for this week in review. Eugenia, you vanished from the radar for a while there. What happened? EUGENIA Well, Mr. Thump, there was Kate and then Sami showed up but I was supposed to not be seen and it was overwhelming so I went out on the balcony to get away from it all ... THUMP But then you came back in. EUGENIA Yes, I did. THUMP Good show, glad you came back in. It was too darn cold and I like you, Eugenia. EUGENIA Thanks, it's good to be back. THUMP Kate, why shouldn't I fire you? You're supposed to know what you're doing and Basic Black went nowhere this week ... KATE I never said I was the kind of person that actually works, I just have others do the work for me! THUMP And Billie, what the heck is the deal with you and all those bad unilateral decisions that get everybody else in trouble? Plus you rant and rant and rant and you're about as profound and ISA as a muppet (sorry, Kermit, no offense meant). KERMIT THE FROG That's quite alright, sir, no offense taken. THUMP Kermit, because you won last week's unbroadcast muppet-thon, you are exempt from being fired. Who do you think was the worst here this week? KERMIT I don't think Billie has what it takes to even be a good muppet. BILLIE Ok, I admit it, I admit that, I will now be easygoing and just to show what a team player I'm not, I'll pretend I don't mind a bit if you fire me. Fire away! THUMP My pleasure ... BILLIE, YOU'RE FIRED! January 20, 2005 THUMP High school losers against college losers but all losers in the end, except for one, which we don't know about for another 15 weeks or so. How did it feel to have such a rough week? PHIL Shawn really let me down with his strange antics. SHAWN They are already pickin on me cos I grew my hair a bit ... MIMI He does have some problems. SHAWN Mimi, how could you sell me out like that! THUMP Well, I gotta admit, Shawn you're like this loose cannon and I thought you were on your way out due to your terrible planning of that wedding fiasco. You didn't think about what to do AFTER you crashed your bike into the church. But Philip, you are a terrible leader. You couldn't even control your flaky new wife on your wedding night and she met another man on the rooftop so I have to say ... PHIL, YOU'RE FIRED! The winning team, however, gets to treat me to another glass of my favorite wine while telling amazing stories about my class and generosity. BRADY Excuse me, have you by any chance seen a mysterious girl in a hood who is hiding from me because she loves me too much to face me? THUMP No, but Chloe and Bruce Willis passed this way a few minutes ago. PHIL Ouch! Say, I wonder if this wine cellar is hiring, seeing as I need a job and am now a very recognizable television personality ... Time to smile for the camera! |